Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

welp

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”