Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

They say women only use 10% of their anger

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow