Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”