Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.