Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15