Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
“Wait, let me explain..”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.