Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet birds love this building.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.