Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
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[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.