Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

My dating profile:

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

just arby’s bein’ a bro

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind