Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I fixed it. For me
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.