Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”