Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics