Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.