Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
You Might Also Like
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Well, this is awkward
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low