Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
🌱🌱🌱
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!