Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.