Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Where is your GOD now????

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”