Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.