Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
#Caturday
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.