Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

ㅤ

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Ovenable?

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

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The Chosen Phew

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.