Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
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CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!