Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Perfect
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.