Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

When can I start eating bats again.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?