Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter