Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do