Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

(yawn)

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything