Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.