Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
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