Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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Not even remotely sorry.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
giddy up Office Depot
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Oh hi lol
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.