Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.