Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.