Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

me when the borders lift

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES