Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

Do one thing every day that scares people.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied