Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
it is time once again
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We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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Ironic
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My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”