Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

it is time once again

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

Ironic

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”