Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
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Sell your car
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
No. YOU-buprofen.