Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?