Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
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Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!