Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
North and South
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.