Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.