Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
titanic
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[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Our lord and savoury.
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If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.