Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.