Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy: