some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
just gave your address to some spiders
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others