Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Good morning

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.