Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

greetings!

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.