The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
shit just got real
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…