Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
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Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
RT if you could go either way.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I only eat vegetarians.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes