Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
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*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.