some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
You Might Also Like
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
phew
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.