Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.