Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
You Might Also Like
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years