Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
🤣✨#caturday
And now we wait
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.