Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
These are my roll models.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.