Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
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I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
#ParentingFacts
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs