Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Meow
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
never deleting this app.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
