Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
