Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy