Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
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My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.