Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
$3 #books
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Roombas should bark
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.