Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best


Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful


Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.


It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs


I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.


As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.


Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans

The dog comes in to show emotional support

… followed by the cat,
who came to judge.


Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov


what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy