Hey girl, are you the final scene in the Sopranos? Because
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.
Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans
The dog comes in to show emotional support
… followed by the cat,
who came to judge.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy