Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
This is my brand.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass