Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida