Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?