some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely