Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
when mom throws a party…
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something