Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

#winning

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us