Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

Whoa 😂

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

getting old is fun

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare